my irritation(s)

I'm irritated. Angry. Frustrated.

I feel like I keep spinning around in this quagmire of crap that makes little or no sense and I can't seem to stop myself and I don't even know where to begin.

I'm irritated that I seem to have lost my peace. For quite some time now I've existed mostly in a place of peace and happiness. That has all slipped from my grasp and I'm unable to locate it.

I'm irritated that I can't seem to regain my balance.

I'm desperately trying to learn how to deal with this devastation that I feel has been heaped upon me, but I don't know how. I don't know what lessons I'm missing and I don't know how to figure it all out.

I'm frustrated because I can't seem to quit cycling thru being frozen, numb, angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt and confused.

I'm frustrated because I can't find a way out of the nightmare I was dragged into.

I'm angry because I can't find a way out of the consuming despair and heartache.

I'm angry because I haven't had an opportunity to stand up for myself and be heard. I haven't taken the opportunity to scream out all my hurt and frustration, to throw all the nasty comments I'm thinking at the target they're intended for.

I need the time and space required to work on me, to focus on me, to realize my personal power once again.

I want to see myself begin to heal.

flip my switch

My head is spinning. The thoughts come and go almost faster than I can even comprehend them, much less ponder their meanings. I don't feel quite as numb as I did last week, but I'm not sure that my current state is a better place to be. Sometimes I wish the numb would return and stay awhile.

I've been feeling negative alot lately. I'm not a negative person by nature and in the past when I get to a negative head space I try very hard to not wallow there. I allow myself some time to be sad or at least to accept myself as a person who sometimes falls into a negative way of thinking, but it is usually short lived. Lately that's not the case. I seem to get stuck in a not happy, not healthy place and no matter which direction I turn I can find the way out. And that inability to "snap out of it" just makes things worse and then I start picking on myself for being a baby, for not being able to get a grip.

And then, something happens to flip the switch and I am, sometimes immediately, transported out of the negative and can once again see and live in the positive. I've never actually searched for the reason behind it but with this latest transport from negative to positive I believe that it's an outside source that helps me find the ability to flip my own switch. And the outside source that seems to make it happen for me, is a friend. The love and compassion and acknowledgement of friends makes me feel accepted and worthwhile and that realization gives me what I need to change from the negative to the positive.

So now that I'm out of that dark, negative place that I hope to not return to anytime soon, or ever if that's possible, I am hoping I can spend some time creating a happy me, a happy space, a happy life, even during these most trying times.

I am a good person. I deserve an awesome life. :)

the affair - part three (ugly thoughts)

Wow, crazy times. I'm beginning to feel better after my stomach issue... still not sure what the problem is, my doc thinks it's e.coli... not much fun that's for sure. Just now getting back to reflecting on my life and where to go from here. I have no idea what I want to do, or even what it is I'm feeling really, other than anger. I'm very, very angry. Lots of other things too: hurt, shocked, devastated, sad, etc., but mostly right now I'm angry. And I don't feel like being quiet about it. I know it will serve me best to remain controlled and calm, but it's difficult. I manage to not fly off the handle and mostly have kept my mouth shut, but internally all of this, the keeping quiet and the betrayal is causing harm.

And my thoughts are completely all over the place. I have lots to write about, to sort out, to analyze, to take action on, but I can't seem to focus on any one element long enough to make any kind of progress.

My husband is a cheater, and a liar and probably lots of other bad things but for now those two are at the top of my list of why I can't stand being around him. Why I detest him. I know the skanky alcoholic whore (SAW) he cheated with. I thought she was a friend... guess not. I know SAW's fiancee who Tom says knows about the affair. Not sure that that's true, I'm guessing it's not but I intend to tell him. I just need to sort it all out first, and I haven't been able to do that.

I guess it just all needs to happen in my time. If that takes an hour or a month, I need to let things unfold at a pace I'm comfortable with and can deal with.

But in the meantime I need to figure out what to do with/about all this anger that is brewing. It's not healthy and it's not who I want to be.

the affair - part two (my body's reaction)

It's been just 6 days since Tom admitted to his hookup with the skanky alcoholic whore, and I've been on quite a roller coaster ride both physically and emotionally since then. I'm steering clear of dealing with the emotional part for now. I want some time to process, analyze and think before I react. Maybe that's not the best way to go about it, but for now it's the best I can do and I'm making decisions that I feel are best for me. I have an appointment with a counselor on Wednesday and am looking forward to getting some professional help in dealing with this life changing situation.

On Thursday I experienced both the good and the bad of the physical spectrum. I felt great. I think I was doing a good job of dealing with the extreme stress I'm under, I felt quite healthy after a good hard hike a couple days earlier and I was relaxed and rejuvenated after an awesome massage.

Thursday evening as I was making myself something to eat my stomach started cramping and within a few minutes I was at the beginning of a long, horrible bout of a hard hitting stomach virus. It was bad (I'll spare you the graphic details). Friday morning after things settled down a little I drove myself to urgent care and was given medication to calm things down and was given IV fluids for dehydration. A couple of medications for nausea and the gastric upset kept me on the couch, asleep for the rest of Friday and Saturday. Sunday was a bit better and I ventured out of the house for a few hours, and today, Monday, I'm still feeling sick. I have an appointment this afternoon with my primary care doctor. Hopefully it's nothing serious. I'm convinced it's not a coincidence that this happened and believe it's my body's reaction to what's going on.

It's a little disheartening to realize that I'm clearly not handling things well if my body is screaming and acting out is such a violent manner. Perhaps it's time to rethink my approach and maybe start dealing with my feelings and emotions.

I remain optimistic. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. I feel supported, protected and loved. I am thankful for my current circumstances because I know in my heart and soul, this is taking me down a road that will lead to the bigger and better things that life has in store for me.

I continue to honor the 7 Directions. :)

the affair - part one

I added the "part one" to this post because I'm guessing there are going to be more parts to it. I struggled with whether or not to express myself about this topic in this forum but I have so much emotional turmoil in my brain that I need to let it out somewhere. This is afterall MY blog. So if you don't want to hear my rants on the subject, or if it's too much information on a nasty little subject, or if it gives you too clear a view into my personal life, then simply don't read it. I've decided to use it as my therapy as I work myself into a healthier mindset.

So, on Tuesday my husband informed me that a few months ago he "fell in love and had an affair". We didn't discuss it much because after those vulgar words spewed from his mouth I pretty much just wanted to be anywhere other than sitting having a conversation with him. He did say that it was over... because if he decided to leave me he wanted it to be for the right reasons and not because of someone else. ???? I asked him who he had "fallen in love" with and he told me. Had I not done a little sleuthing over the past 4 weeks or so all of this would have been so much more devastating than it is at this moment. I at least had some time to prepare myself for his admission of guilt (fucking cheater!) and had opportunities to rally my support system (I have the most incredible family and the best friends in the world).

I'm sure there is a rough road ahead of me, but whatever comes will be for my good and I will survive it and will be at a better place. For now, I'm just taking things minute by minute. I'm trying not to feel guilty about my inability to focus or function... getting dressed and up off the couch is nowhere in my immediate future... and have no intention of doing anything outwardly productive today (housework, laundry, etc). Instead, I'm focusing on me. I'm giving myself the time I need to reassess my life, to be kind and gentle with myself, to begin my healing process. I'm taking care of me and right now I'm all that matters.

Unfortunately, Tom isn't working today, nor did he work yesterday which means I don't have the private time and space I so desperately need right now. That combined with the fact that he's acting like such an ass. I believe that he's somehow blaming me for his guilt or shame or whatever he's feeling. Knowing him, he's expecting the worst (admitting his betrayal) is over and now things shouldn't be so tense around here (fucking clueless cheater).

I'm holding it together for the most part. Mostly what I feel right now is numb. There are a slew of emotions but for right now I'm unable to express them. Or maybe it's that I know that for now I'm unable to express them in a healthy, constructive manner so I'm processing everything to get to a place where I can express all the emotions and feelings without causing harm or damage to an already wounded (possibly mortally) situation. Ha... guess it says something that I can't even refer to it as a marriage... I have to call it a "situation". They need to add that as a category in facebook... Single, Married, It's Complicated and In A Situation. :)

Stay tuned, or not, lots more therapy coming...

Oh, and feel free to comment. Good, bad or indifferent, I welcome opinions.