I spent some time reflecting today; actually for the past several days. This year has been amazing. It has had some very high highs and some extremely painful lows. So much has changed in my life this year. So much about me has changed. Looking back at all the crap that's been swirling around I must say that I'm very proud of me. And I'm very appreciative. Proud that I have kept my sanity, for the most part and appreciative that I have been shown how many wonderful friends I have and how much my family supports me.

One year ago, almost to the day, I welcomed someone into my house who would ultimately "cause" the end of my 20 year marriage. I can't say I'm sorry. Not exactly. I don't condone her behavior, nor that of my husband's. She, as it turns out, is an STD ladened skanky alcoholic slut. I know that sounds angry and bitter but it really isn't, that's really who/what she is. He's an ass. That's not bitter either, just fact. Anyway, here I am... waiting for my final court date so I can be single again.

There have been emotional ups and downs, and I'm sure that will continue for sometime. But I'm o.k. I'm really o.k. I look forward to my tomorrows. I'm not stuck in the past. I'm learning to let it all go. I'm content to deal with what is. I'm enjoying being in my happy place.

This past year has shown me many things. The best of which is that I have come to appreciate how awesome I am. And that kind of makes all the shitty parts of the last year so totally worth it.

Yea for me!!! I rock!!!

Stress has me in its grip

Signs of stress appear constantly these days. I have headaches, I'm dizzy, can't concentrate, can't remember things from one minute to the next, can't sit still yet have very little drive to do anything, feeling exhausted and unsettled, am tired but can't sleep well, my back and shoulders have gone from tight discomfort to pain.

It amazes me how much stress can affect the body. I'm not surprised that the stress is ever present because there is much in my life that is stressful right now... I just wish I could figure out how to get the upper hand on it. I don't obsess too much about it; either I'm OK with it or I'm not; either the signs of stress are affecting me or they're not. I can accept that.

I guess the silver lining is that it is giving me reason to do more soul searching and more research in my quest to find a way to diffuse some of the stress and find comfort.

I remain in my happy place even if it means being there and in pain. :)

I had myself a "me" weekend and I loved it. Started with an entire "me" day and a couple of hours with the most amazing friend/massage therapist ever on Friday. Because I was in Oklahoma for 5 weeks it had been awhile since I was able to enjoy my regular massage. I'm glad to be back to somewhat regularly scheduled massages. They help keep all of me in place and healthy. And not just the physical parts of me. Massage helps with my mental and emotional health and keeps my energy flowing in an incredibly healthy way.

Saturday was a relaxing morning followed by a most delightful afternoon watching my grandson play baseball. The weather was perfect and the game gave me two very enjoyable hours sitting with my daughter watching the game. My son was coaching so I got the bonus of being with both my kids, something I totally enjoy. I spent the evening with my daughter-in-law who was experiencing some discomfort from being 7 months pregnant and overdoing her Saturday run. I then spent a couple of hours with my new angel/roommate, enjoying a cocktail, watching some t.v., working on my crochet projects and then heading to bed at a decent hour.

Sunday was another totally me day. Coffee, lounging around the house, t.v., crochet. I feel so relaxed, refreshed and ready to take on another busy week trying to put my life in order, or maybe it's more like trying to keep my life from totally falling apart. Either way I'm ready to do what I need to do and am in an awesome frame of mind so I will be able to do things and be happy at the same time. There's always another happy thought to think. :)

I keep getting the urge to write.  I have no idea what I want to write about and when I do happen upon an idea for some interesting subject matter I can't come up with the "best" way to write it, so I don't.  Back in the late 90's I was given a copy of "The Artists Way".  It's a lovely book about how to unlock the artist within.  I believe we are all artists in some way.  We all have a need to create.  Some of us just hide it or ignore it better than others.  The book outlined several exercises to help let the creativity out.  One of the exercises was to write for a set amount of time every day.  It wasn't an involved thing, maybe 15 minutes a day.  And the instructions were to write at the beginning of the day.  Immediately upon waking, get out your notebook and simply write whatever came to mind.  Words, ideas... anything.  I struggled with it because I couldn't just write, I had to write correctly and about things that I felt had at least an ounce of worth.  I know that wasn't the idea, but at the time that was the best I could do.  And as we see, I still have that problem.  I want to get to a place where I can just let the words flow.  A place where I can be happy with whatever my mind wants to put out there.  A place where I can trust my spirit to guide me wherever it wants me to go, even if my mere mortal self can't see any value in it.  I'm not sure this is the place to do it, and I'm not committing to resurrecting the exercise, but I'm at least thinking about it.  My life this year has done some crazy and yet amazing things.  I feel like I'm just about ready for a new adventure and am quite ready to completely let go of the old me.  I think I've grown up enough to know with everything that I am that I don't need to grow up if I don't want to.  Have a happy day everyone.

I think I'm me again

Hello world, I'm back. At least I think I am.

After a tumultuous beginning half of the year and an emotional roller coaster that I'm none too keen on ever riding again, I think I have found my way back to groundedness and balance. PHEW!

For those of you who were subjected to my rants and venomous tirades, here, on other social networking sites, and alas some of you in person, I understand any discomfort you may have felt. In the past I would have apologized for my verbalization, but I've grown out of that limiting place. I'm not sorry for the way I felt, I no longer apologize for my feelings, rather I own them and embrace them. I'm not sorry for voicing my comments because I've matured into a place where I believe my voice is my own and I am allowed to say whatever I choose. I'm not sorry for using the tools of blogging or facebook, etc. to share my words (negative as they may have been) because in doing so I was able to move away from that dark pit of despair I found myself in earlier this year. Speaking up, typing out my venom, sharing my negative thoughts, was a ladder out of that pit.

I'm proud of myself for finding a way to move forward. I'm back in a happy place. Happy to have my happy back. I am very grateful for my wonderful friends and family who are seeing me through the rough patches. I am hopeful and excited for my new future. I know my path will lead me to wonderful experiences and my life will be fuller and more fun than ever.

I am loved :)

my irritation(s)

I'm irritated. Angry. Frustrated.

I feel like I keep spinning around in this quagmire of crap that makes little or no sense and I can't seem to stop myself and I don't even know where to begin.

I'm irritated that I seem to have lost my peace. For quite some time now I've existed mostly in a place of peace and happiness. That has all slipped from my grasp and I'm unable to locate it.

I'm irritated that I can't seem to regain my balance.

I'm desperately trying to learn how to deal with this devastation that I feel has been heaped upon me, but I don't know how. I don't know what lessons I'm missing and I don't know how to figure it all out.

I'm frustrated because I can't seem to quit cycling thru being frozen, numb, angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt and confused.

I'm frustrated because I can't find a way out of the nightmare I was dragged into.

I'm angry because I can't find a way out of the consuming despair and heartache.

I'm angry because I haven't had an opportunity to stand up for myself and be heard. I haven't taken the opportunity to scream out all my hurt and frustration, to throw all the nasty comments I'm thinking at the target they're intended for.

I need the time and space required to work on me, to focus on me, to realize my personal power once again.

I want to see myself begin to heal.

flip my switch

My head is spinning. The thoughts come and go almost faster than I can even comprehend them, much less ponder their meanings. I don't feel quite as numb as I did last week, but I'm not sure that my current state is a better place to be. Sometimes I wish the numb would return and stay awhile.

I've been feeling negative alot lately. I'm not a negative person by nature and in the past when I get to a negative head space I try very hard to not wallow there. I allow myself some time to be sad or at least to accept myself as a person who sometimes falls into a negative way of thinking, but it is usually short lived. Lately that's not the case. I seem to get stuck in a not happy, not healthy place and no matter which direction I turn I can find the way out. And that inability to "snap out of it" just makes things worse and then I start picking on myself for being a baby, for not being able to get a grip.

And then, something happens to flip the switch and I am, sometimes immediately, transported out of the negative and can once again see and live in the positive. I've never actually searched for the reason behind it but with this latest transport from negative to positive I believe that it's an outside source that helps me find the ability to flip my own switch. And the outside source that seems to make it happen for me, is a friend. The love and compassion and acknowledgement of friends makes me feel accepted and worthwhile and that realization gives me what I need to change from the negative to the positive.

So now that I'm out of that dark, negative place that I hope to not return to anytime soon, or ever if that's possible, I am hoping I can spend some time creating a happy me, a happy space, a happy life, even during these most trying times.

I am a good person. I deserve an awesome life. :)

the affair - part three (ugly thoughts)

Wow, crazy times. I'm beginning to feel better after my stomach issue... still not sure what the problem is, my doc thinks it's e.coli... not much fun that's for sure. Just now getting back to reflecting on my life and where to go from here. I have no idea what I want to do, or even what it is I'm feeling really, other than anger. I'm very, very angry. Lots of other things too: hurt, shocked, devastated, sad, etc., but mostly right now I'm angry. And I don't feel like being quiet about it. I know it will serve me best to remain controlled and calm, but it's difficult. I manage to not fly off the handle and mostly have kept my mouth shut, but internally all of this, the keeping quiet and the betrayal is causing harm.

And my thoughts are completely all over the place. I have lots to write about, to sort out, to analyze, to take action on, but I can't seem to focus on any one element long enough to make any kind of progress.

My husband is a cheater, and a liar and probably lots of other bad things but for now those two are at the top of my list of why I can't stand being around him. Why I detest him. I know the skanky alcoholic whore (SAW) he cheated with. I thought she was a friend... guess not. I know SAW's fiancee who Tom says knows about the affair. Not sure that that's true, I'm guessing it's not but I intend to tell him. I just need to sort it all out first, and I haven't been able to do that.

I guess it just all needs to happen in my time. If that takes an hour or a month, I need to let things unfold at a pace I'm comfortable with and can deal with.

But in the meantime I need to figure out what to do with/about all this anger that is brewing. It's not healthy and it's not who I want to be.

the affair - part two (my body's reaction)

It's been just 6 days since Tom admitted to his hookup with the skanky alcoholic whore, and I've been on quite a roller coaster ride both physically and emotionally since then. I'm steering clear of dealing with the emotional part for now. I want some time to process, analyze and think before I react. Maybe that's not the best way to go about it, but for now it's the best I can do and I'm making decisions that I feel are best for me. I have an appointment with a counselor on Wednesday and am looking forward to getting some professional help in dealing with this life changing situation.

On Thursday I experienced both the good and the bad of the physical spectrum. I felt great. I think I was doing a good job of dealing with the extreme stress I'm under, I felt quite healthy after a good hard hike a couple days earlier and I was relaxed and rejuvenated after an awesome massage.

Thursday evening as I was making myself something to eat my stomach started cramping and within a few minutes I was at the beginning of a long, horrible bout of a hard hitting stomach virus. It was bad (I'll spare you the graphic details). Friday morning after things settled down a little I drove myself to urgent care and was given medication to calm things down and was given IV fluids for dehydration. A couple of medications for nausea and the gastric upset kept me on the couch, asleep for the rest of Friday and Saturday. Sunday was a bit better and I ventured out of the house for a few hours, and today, Monday, I'm still feeling sick. I have an appointment this afternoon with my primary care doctor. Hopefully it's nothing serious. I'm convinced it's not a coincidence that this happened and believe it's my body's reaction to what's going on.

It's a little disheartening to realize that I'm clearly not handling things well if my body is screaming and acting out is such a violent manner. Perhaps it's time to rethink my approach and maybe start dealing with my feelings and emotions.

I remain optimistic. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. I feel supported, protected and loved. I am thankful for my current circumstances because I know in my heart and soul, this is taking me down a road that will lead to the bigger and better things that life has in store for me.

I continue to honor the 7 Directions. :)

the affair - part one

I added the "part one" to this post because I'm guessing there are going to be more parts to it. I struggled with whether or not to express myself about this topic in this forum but I have so much emotional turmoil in my brain that I need to let it out somewhere. This is afterall MY blog. So if you don't want to hear my rants on the subject, or if it's too much information on a nasty little subject, or if it gives you too clear a view into my personal life, then simply don't read it. I've decided to use it as my therapy as I work myself into a healthier mindset.

So, on Tuesday my husband informed me that a few months ago he "fell in love and had an affair". We didn't discuss it much because after those vulgar words spewed from his mouth I pretty much just wanted to be anywhere other than sitting having a conversation with him. He did say that it was over... because if he decided to leave me he wanted it to be for the right reasons and not because of someone else. ???? I asked him who he had "fallen in love" with and he told me. Had I not done a little sleuthing over the past 4 weeks or so all of this would have been so much more devastating than it is at this moment. I at least had some time to prepare myself for his admission of guilt (fucking cheater!) and had opportunities to rally my support system (I have the most incredible family and the best friends in the world).

I'm sure there is a rough road ahead of me, but whatever comes will be for my good and I will survive it and will be at a better place. For now, I'm just taking things minute by minute. I'm trying not to feel guilty about my inability to focus or function... getting dressed and up off the couch is nowhere in my immediate future... and have no intention of doing anything outwardly productive today (housework, laundry, etc). Instead, I'm focusing on me. I'm giving myself the time I need to reassess my life, to be kind and gentle with myself, to begin my healing process. I'm taking care of me and right now I'm all that matters.

Unfortunately, Tom isn't working today, nor did he work yesterday which means I don't have the private time and space I so desperately need right now. That combined with the fact that he's acting like such an ass. I believe that he's somehow blaming me for his guilt or shame or whatever he's feeling. Knowing him, he's expecting the worst (admitting his betrayal) is over and now things shouldn't be so tense around here (fucking clueless cheater).

I'm holding it together for the most part. Mostly what I feel right now is numb. There are a slew of emotions but for right now I'm unable to express them. Or maybe it's that I know that for now I'm unable to express them in a healthy, constructive manner so I'm processing everything to get to a place where I can express all the emotions and feelings without causing harm or damage to an already wounded (possibly mortally) situation. Ha... guess it says something that I can't even refer to it as a marriage... I have to call it a "situation". They need to add that as a category in facebook... Single, Married, It's Complicated and In A Situation. :)

Stay tuned, or not, lots more therapy coming...

Oh, and feel free to comment. Good, bad or indifferent, I welcome opinions.

my wonderful kids

I'm back. Sort of. I actually never really left, I just chose to not be active with my words. At least not active enough to type them out of my brain. They've mostly been churning... and churning and churning.

So today I'm thankful for the two amazing kids I raised. They have both blossomed into amazing, loving, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, caring adults. They are different in many ways, but the important core values of family and being decent human beings is very much the same. I'm proud of both of them and feel so very blessed that I have them to lean on when I'm unsure of my ability to navigate the path in front of me.

I'm also constantly reminded of my mom and dad when I spend time with my kids. A part of my parents and the lessons they taught me have made their way into the lives of my children and that is such a thing of beauty to witness. It's life happening. It's the energy of love continuing to flow. I am blessed that this loving energy engulfs me and flows through me every moment of every day.

My daughter and my son help me see my way. :)