My brain seems to love the past and the future. It has a difficult time with NOW. I know on an intellectual level that I can't change the past, and although I have the ability to influence my future, I can only do so by actions in the present. I must live in the "now", it's all I've got and it's all I need. But it's a difficult thing to do. I daydream about how things will be (future), I relive things that have been (past) and all those moments are eating up my "now".
Upon reflection, I think I subconsciously avoid "now". I don't entirely know why I do this. I can speculate. I'm guessing it has something to do with getting it right. I'm so hung up on doing things the right way. On being as perfect, with any and all aspects of my life, as possible. And not moving forward with anything until I can do it in as perfect a manner as possible. I'll be the first to admit that this is an extremely limiting way to live. It's not really living at all. It's perpetual planning with the planned events sometimes never actually taking place because the plan calls for elements that are missing or unattainable.
The funny thing (funny odd not funny haha) is that a part of me is so not what I described. Sure, part of me thinks and feels that way, but the real me, the me that I know exists somewhere deep within, is so totally NOT that person. The real me is spontaneous and free and fun and playful and willing to give anything a try and happy for new experiences and adventurous. I guess the problem is that the planning perfectionist seems to be running the show much of the time. I need to smack some sense into her because my "now" can't wait for me to get all my parts together and present.
So for today, I'm going to try my best to just deal with NOW. I will try to keep steering my thoughts back to what's in front of me, to where I am. It's going to be a challenge because just typing that, makes me anxious... immediately I'm thinking that what will happen is that I'll be jumping from one task to another as I focus on what's in front of me, and doing so, in my mind, isn't the "right" way to tackle the day.
This self discovery stuff is such a kick! :)
WOW. I am surprised to learn that you have been blogging for a while now. I am really excited you decided to share your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny...we must all have issues with our egos...I have heard that the ego is responsible for keeping us stuck in our pasts and beating us down for who we were and what we did or didn't do and conversly it is also responsible for projecting us too far into the future and in some cases stroking our narcism and inflating our uniqueness over others.
I say this not as an indictment...but as someone who feels what you feel...the inability to live in the now. Haunted and challanged by my past and my future at the same time...as if I had control over either. The humorous thing to me is that I SEE YOU AS THE PERSON YOU WANT/HOPE to be. You are- fun...spontaneous...calm...innovative...wise...interesting...spiritual...determined and COOL!
Definately...I want you with me if I get shipwrecked on a remote island somewhere someday! FORREALS.