OK, so a month (or more) ago I decided to take the huge leap into the frightening unknown and start blogging. Well, as you can see (if you care to look), I got two blogs into the process and then stopped. Why? Because the doubting me is still in control... somehow. The negative self-talk keeps winning out. Even though I know, and I believe, that I am not the person that I keep acting like. In fact, I'm the person who is learning how to face her fears. I'm the person who has something to say and will say it here, in this forum, in this format, regardless of who ever hears my words (because for now, me expressing my thoughts is far more important than who I express them to). I'm the person who does the unconventional. I'm the person who has learned how to be in control and am also the person who doesn't need to have control of every situation all of the time. I'm the person who has learned how to accept me for who I am and for where I am in my journey.
And all these affirmations, all this validation, makes me feel powerful and competent and successful and worthy and brave and good. Then... that little nagging voice starts in. It starts as just a flippant commentator, fragmented messages of negativity. It tests the waters with a few snippets of why I'm not any of the positive things I am striving for. And the voice grows in exponentially greater decibels until it's screaming all of its gloom and doom to me, about me, at me. I'm getting better at making the voice shut the hell up. I'm learning how to shut it down and reclaim my thought processes and the thoughts I choose to think. I'm having varying degrees of success in overpowering the negative with the positive. But it can be an arduous battle at times. The good news is the fact that I AM that strong, positive, loving and lovable, accepting, giving person. That is a fact. Those qualities make me, me. No warped, negative thinking can ever rob me of that FACT. I just need to reach a point where I not only know those things but where I can feel those things... all the time... without a mental battle.
For this moment I feel like the person I want to be. I feel good about myself. I feel capable of doing the things I want to do, of experiencing new things, of living the life I've only dreamed of before now. For this moment I am the embodiment of the goodness I've sought after for many years. I'm where I belong and am able to proudly be me. And when the next barrage of negativity spews forth (and it will), I stand ready to fight another good fight to silence that which is simply not true.
