Everyone has their problems. Issues, complaints, weaknesses, character flaws; all the things we hope to not have but most assuredly do. I know I've certainly got my fair share. Most, although not all, people try to keep these little bits of imperfection hidden from others. Some more successfully hidden or masked than others. Hidden or not, the problems remain. I have a tendency to forget this. I forget it when it's about other people; I don't forget it about me.

I take the good in people as the definition of them. I seek out the good qualities and minimize the bad so that in my eyes, people are mostly only the good parts of themselves. I rarely see beyond this. The result of these selective observations is that I see others as being better than me. I rate myself way below everyone else on just about any scale there is. I don't think this is because I want to see everyone as fantastic beings, skipping merrily through life with minimal obstacles in the way. It's more about putting myself down, picking on myself, pointing out reasons why I'm less than.

Every now and then, I see glimpses of people as they really are. Flawed and struggling at times just like me. Those instances are very uncomfortable. It's as if I don't know how to act or react to the truth about others. I have them painted a certain way in my mind and when that image is altered, or at times shattered, I feel knocked off balance. It shakes my reality. When I see and acknowledge to myself that they are like me, it forces me to be more whole and more similar to everyone else and that somehow isn't o.k.

The one positive that is easy to grab hold of is that I feel more love towards people the more I admit that I'm just like everyone else. Just as good as everyone else. Just as deserving as everyone else. Just as lovable as everyone else.

Someday I hope to believe this in my heart and soul and not just in my mind.

I'm irritated with myself that I continue to not blog because I feel like what I have to say isn't good enough. I have lots of stuff that wants out of my brain, random thoughts, miscellaneous ponderings, even some bits of wisdom from time to time. But they all seem to be lacking something and that something, I feel, is necessary to making my "stuff" worthy of words on a page.

I know this reasoning is a bit silly, and defeatist, and a bunch of other negative things that I won't take the time to form into an understandable sentence, but just the same this feeling of not being good enough keeps my typing fingers away from the keyboard for anything more than a simple email from time to time, well, that and typing in my facebook user name and password about a million times a day. Someone needs to make a speed dial for my keyboard specifically for facebook logon. It would save me several seconds several times a day.

So here I sit with lots of subject matter waiting it's turn to make it onto the pages of my blog but there's something that keeps my brain from letting it out. What to do... what to do.

Mastering NOW

My brain seems to love the past and the future. It has a difficult time with NOW. I know on an intellectual level that I can't change the past, and although I have the ability to influence my future, I can only do so by actions in the present. I must live in the "now", it's all I've got and it's all I need. But it's a difficult thing to do. I daydream about how things will be (future), I relive things that have been (past) and all those moments are eating up my "now".

Upon reflection, I think I subconsciously avoid "now". I don't entirely know why I do this. I can speculate. I'm guessing it has something to do with getting it right. I'm so hung up on doing things the right way. On being as perfect, with any and all aspects of my life, as possible. And not moving forward with anything until I can do it in as perfect a manner as possible. I'll be the first to admit that this is an extremely limiting way to live. It's not really living at all. It's perpetual planning with the planned events sometimes never actually taking place because the plan calls for elements that are missing or unattainable.

The funny thing (funny odd not funny haha) is that a part of me is so not what I described. Sure, part of me thinks and feels that way, but the real me, the me that I know exists somewhere deep within, is so totally NOT that person. The real me is spontaneous and free and fun and playful and willing to give anything a try and happy for new experiences and adventurous. I guess the problem is that the planning perfectionist seems to be running the show much of the time. I need to smack some sense into her because my "now" can't wait for me to get all my parts together and present.

So for today, I'm going to try my best to just deal with NOW. I will try to keep steering my thoughts back to what's in front of me, to where I am. It's going to be a challenge because just typing that, makes me anxious... immediately I'm thinking that what will happen is that I'll be jumping from one task to another as I focus on what's in front of me, and doing so, in my mind, isn't the "right" way to tackle the day.

This self discovery stuff is such a kick! :)

The fact of who I am (despite what I tell me)

OK, so a month (or more) ago I decided to take the huge leap into the frightening unknown and start blogging. Well, as you can see (if you care to look), I got two blogs into the process and then stopped. Why? Because the doubting me is still in control... somehow. The negative self-talk keeps winning out. Even though I know, and I believe, that I am not the person that I keep acting like. In fact, I'm the person who is learning how to face her fears. I'm the person who has something to say and will say it here, in this forum, in this format, regardless of who ever hears my words (because for now, me expressing my thoughts is far more important than who I express them to). I'm the person who does the unconventional. I'm the person who has learned how to be in control and am also the person who doesn't need to have control of every situation all of the time. I'm the person who has learned how to accept me for who I am and for where I am in my journey.

And all these affirmations, all this validation, makes me feel powerful and competent and successful and worthy and brave and good. Then... that little nagging voice starts in. It starts as just a flippant commentator, fragmented messages of negativity. It tests the waters with a few snippets of why I'm not any of the positive things I am striving for. And the voice grows in exponentially greater decibels until it's screaming all of its gloom and doom to me, about me, at me. I'm getting better at making the voice shut the hell up. I'm learning how to shut it down and reclaim my thought processes and the thoughts I choose to think. I'm having varying degrees of success in overpowering the negative with the positive. But it can be an arduous battle at times. The good news is the fact that I AM that strong, positive, loving and lovable, accepting, giving person. That is a fact. Those qualities make me, me. No warped, negative thinking can ever rob me of that FACT. I just need to reach a point where I not only know those things but where I can feel those things... all the time... without a mental battle.

For this moment I feel like the person I want to be. I feel good about myself. I feel capable of doing the things I want to do, of experiencing new things, of living the life I've only dreamed of before now. For this moment I am the embodiment of the goodness I've sought after for many years. I'm where I belong and am able to proudly be me. And when the next barrage of negativity spews forth (and it will), I stand ready to fight another good fight to silence that which is simply not true.

Talking To Myself

The thoughts I think, the things I tell myself inside my head are constant messages from me, to me. I'm sure most everybody has this stuff bouncing around inside their brains. The thoughts I think about myself produce something like a battle of good against bad. There's the good me and there's the bad me. The good me is the positive, upbeat, happy me that most times is the me that I present to the world. The bad me is all my self-doubt, all the negative messages I give myself about myself. All the I can't messages, all the I'm not good enough messages, all the thoughts about why I don't deserve whatever good thing I'm striving for.

The good me works overtime trying to drown out the bad me thoughts. It takes a certain amount of effort to think the good thoughts. They don't flow as easily as the bad me thoughts. The negative seems to take no effort and there seems to be an endless supply of these messages. Is it just habit? Am I so used to talking negatively to and about myself from years of practice that to change those thoughts takes time and effort? I'm going under the belief that the good, positive thoughts will one day come as easy as the negative and will consume all my thinking, leaving no time or room for any of the negative. Or at least for very little of the negative.

This all makes me wonder where and how I fell into this pattern, into this powerful grip of nay-saying. What makes it so difficult to believe the good and so easy to believe the bad? I feel I'm figuring my way out of this "bad habit", but it's slow going and there are certainly setbacks. But I'm a fighter, and being the positive, upbeat, happy person inside and out is a goal that I know I will one day reach. That day isn't today, but I'm on the right road and step by step I'll get there.

Where am I going with this one?

Howdy neighbors,

So I've been thinking alot lately (really, really alot) about writing down stuff that goes through my head, (sometimes it plays over and over - ad nauseam) and have never felt completely comfortable about scribbling words in a diary or journal or notebook. I've done it, given it a good try, and while pen and paper do the trick as far as letting thoughts out of my head, it just doesn't have the flow, the ease, that I'm looking for. I've tried emailing certain ponderings to certain people who can help me sort out a particular subject, or who will be entertained by my musings, but again I'm left feeling that something is missing because email is so exclusive. In my thinking the email thing is meant for one person or for one specific group of people. I don't care to mass email things especially if the recipients don't know each other, or in some cases (depending on the subject matter of the email) don't know each other well.

Then I thought about blogging. But like many of you self-doubters, I didn't think it was for me. What do I know about blogging? I didn't even know where to find out where I could blog and I just knew that the whole process would come with tons of instructions and filling out of online forms and I was positive I'd get stuck somewhere along the line and would just end up giving up. Rather than failing I just didn't try. I know, I know.... that reasoning doesn't make any sense, and I know and believe that trying and failing is better than never trying at all, but still, I kept putting it off.

Well, as it turns out, law of attraction in practice brought me here. I love when I can succeed at focusing my thoughts on what I want rather than on what I don't have. I followed a link on a blog my son started (thanks Rob for being an integral part of this), and after reading his post I thought I'd check out starting my own blog. It turned out to be so simple I can't believe I didn't do it sooner.

But this just reinforces what I already knew but what I keep letting the negative self talk control. That I can have what I want. That I can learn and do new things. That what I have to say is important enough to write down (or type out) even if I'm the only one who is ever touched by these words. That I am important. I think that's the real message for myself, and probably for alot of you out there. We are important. If there's something that you want to do but are afraid to try, just take that first step. It doesn't even matter if you don't accomplish the thing you want to accomplish, just take that first little step today and see what happens. See how empowered you feel. See how much that little action will help you love yourself. See what it will allow the universe to bring to you.

Keep learning and growing. Dare to be you.

Much love,

Karen :)